12/13/08 ramblings

The saying goes: It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Whoever said that probably didn't experience much loss - or they're just plum crazy. When you make a career out of loving and losing it just makes you want to say f*** it and run off to a convent. Love can be such a complicated thing - probably of our own making. We pick the wrong one, thinking he is perfect at the time. They take you for granted, have no interest in you at all, totally mis-read your intentions, like you as friend (or worse - a sister) or any number of things you can name. Sometimes you both think you get it right only to find out years later you didn't. I don't know... it probably is better to have loved and lost - at least you know you're alive - 'cause the pain nearly kills you!!! ;) I wish relationships were easier at times. I mean - I'm glad God created us to need each other because life would be pretty boring w/out that fact but men and women are so different that sometimes it's just plain EXASPERATING!! We can spend a lot of time trying to be what we think they want us to be (that sure doesn't work) because we're afraid they won't want us as we know (or think we know) we are. It's not good enough for us so how can it possibly be good enough for someone else. Yep - I've got self image issues. I say I'm a BBW (wh/ by the way stands for big beautiful woman) but the truth is - I don't believe the beautiful part - never have - don't believe it - can't see it. They say if you can't love yourself you can't love anyone else. I suppose there's some truth to that - maybe that's why I keep falling for men who don't look past the "cover" of this body - such that it is. I believe I'm a "good read" but the cover - well... needs some work.
I've recently "lost" again and the wound is fresh. I knew that it probably wouldn't have worked - yet I fell anyway - I tried not to but those eyes, the feeling of electricity that ran thru (still runs thru) me when I'm near him -and did I mention the eyes - wow! How do you stop that? Wish that there were a switch you could just shut off. Like a light switch - click - and it's off. I suppose that would be pretty cold & in it's own way, probably just as painful.
I am learning some things along the way - I'm trying to feel better about myself - It's hard work shutting down those head tapes that have played over and over for so many years. I AM WORTH THE TROUBLE!! I deserve a good man who thinks I'm "it" for him. I believe there has to be one - I'd love to be married again someday. There's a lot of work I need to do but then - that's what this thing called "living" is all about. More later... I'm exhausted!!